When I was younger, much younger, I thought I’d someday have a nice BMW 5-series car, be rolling around like I was a cool dude. As I have gotten older, my priorities have changed. It’s kind of like taste really. I used to eat as much sugar as I could find or my parents would allow and there were no consequences. I HATED certain vegetables like asparagus, broccoli, brussel sprouts, hell even green beans. It’s kind of funny now how I still enjoy high sugar foods, like fresh cookies out of the oven or a pecan pie, but if I eat too much of it I feel sick. I also now like those vegetables I used to hate, and to be honest there are others that I still avoid but that list continues to shrink.
Much like my taste has changed, my work/life balance has changed. My priorities have changed. I don’t really care about the car I drive so long as it rides comfortably and runs well. I don’t need it to be new, fast or even expensive. I’d rather have time to do what I like. Mostly that boils down to spending time with people I care about, playing computer games and some writing. (Let’s also not forget good food, but I have to be careful to not over indulge.)
Time is getting more important. I look at my career, which I’ve had good success, and realize it no longer provides that sense of accomplishment it once did. Now it is a paycheck and a time sink. I do what needs to be done, but my heart isn’t really into it. I don’t want to fail, but I also don’t care to succeed. I feel like I’m in some middle area.
I also feel like life has got to be worth living. What is the point of going through the motions week after week ad nauseum? I feel like I’m currently going through some things. For one, I want to quit my job and take a year off. I feel like it would be good for me. But then in comes the guilt and questions. How will we cover health insurance? What if I can’t find what will give me that feeling of fulfillment? Am I just out a year’s salary, and a job a lot of people would love to have? What if I want to go back someday, am I ruining that chance?
I’m now 37 years old. I could be solidly halfway through my life and looking ahead at the next 20-25 years. Why continue doing the work grind that I have been? At the end I’ll be old and at this rate the husk of a man that I feel I could be. Hopefully I won’t have a serious medical issue. Am I really going to be willing to spend that hard earned money if I don’t now? Will I travel if I don’t now? Will I be happy if I’m not now? It is a lot to think about.
I know a portion of what you’re going through right now, and I’ve observed the escalation of your present woes. All I can offer for advice is never settle, at the end of the day you gotta do what’s right for you. I know there are “what ifs” that come up, this is natural, but please don’t let those hold you back and make you settle. I’m certainly not going to settle with anything in my life until I’m getting maximum joy out of almost everything (maybe one day I’ll get there!).
You gotta start experimenting right _now_ with what will bring you more joy in life, while also making a fulfilling career (since obviously we need at least some amount of money). There’s not going to be a point in the future when you go, ‘Yup, this is the right time to make this scary leap into something unknown.’ Yes, some or many of these experiments may fail, and that’s okay. Failure is just another opportunity, but what if it doesn’t fail? This is so tough, and I recognize it’s easy to say these things and really tough to actually do them.
About your quote “What if I want to go back someday, am I ruining that chance?”, yes you may be ruining that choice. However, it’s important to look at that other life you would’ve had if you decide to: settle, not do anything, not take a risk, view it as a “ghost ship” which sailed away and you’re now on the shore watching it. Yes you can’t get back on the ghost ship, but on the shore may be an enormous new opportunity you wouldn’t have seen had you been on that ship. Food for thought 🙂
An interesting quote I read recently:
“Biggest regrets I have are almost exclusively things I did *not* do.” (someone who was 47 looking back at their life)
Something that may help is defining your fears, and there is a nice process to do this and work things out (Ted Talk): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5J6jAC6XxAI
Let me know if you want to chat more, I’d love to talk about it.